


The Gray Card Scheme

by kyrilu



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crack, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24885511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrilu/pseuds/kyrilu
Summary: Nandor attempts to obtain American citizenship again, this time through marriage. It goes pretty well, considering.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 34
Kudos: 192





	The Gray Card Scheme

**Author's Note:**

> So, this concept grabbed me... Hat-tip to those who participated in and helmed the brainstorming conversation: Nandor’s Wizard Hat, shocked_into_shame, CadetDru, ReinaZanahoria, Interrobam, lovelybubble7, walkwithursus, riskylatte - I think that’s everyone? Credit and thanks to you guys for the set-up ideas and several of the jokes. 
> 
> (No, this is not how the actual marriage + green card process goes. I streamlined and made stuff up for comedic purposes.)

**INT. STATEN ISLAND VAMPIRE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM**

NADJA: I _love_ weddings. Back in my village, we’d throw these huge celebrations. Lots of alcohol, lots of singing and dancing, and the brides would wear these beautiful dresses.

A montage of paintings: A woman in a headdress clutches a bouquet of flowers… carousing crowds… a man holds out his hand.

NADJA: One of my younger sisters, Lila, was engaged to the blacksmith’s boy. Sometime after I was turned, I snuck back home to watch. Very lovely, very touching ceremony. It was sad, though, that I couldn’t attend properly -- I was in disguise as a raven. Instead of singing with my own voice, I could only make bird sounds. Can you imagine going to your own beloved sister’s wedding and only being able to say _caw-caw_ the entire time? Still, I went, I sang my little bird heart out, and I swore that I’d learn speech in that form. 

Suddenly, in her place, there’s a black raven. It flaps its wings and preens in front of the camera.

LASZLO [looks at the raven fondly and points at it with his finger]: Quoth the raven--

RAVEN: Eat the rich! [A beat.] You know, I never quite understood that one. I say: eat all tasty humans. Especially the rich. 

Title credits roll: _Don’t sing if you want to live long…_

NADJA [in her human form]: So, you might be wondering why we’re talking about weddings. Well, Nandor and his familiar are getting married. 

LASZLO: Indeed. Nandor, that stubborn fellow, is determined to obtain a green card. Something to do with American citizenship and the benefits thereof.

NADJA: He asked Colin Robinson first.

LASZLO: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard Nandor doing, and I’ve seen him making horses out of dried macaroni. They’re magnificent horses, but that isn’t exactly high art, is it? 

NADJA: --Yes. Well, he came to his senses when he realized how boring marrying Colin Robinson would be, and Gizmo volunteered. It’s not much of an improvement, to be sure, but truthfully, I’m excited for a proper wedding. It’s been decades since we’ve attended one. What was that last one we went to? Drogroch the Magnificent, Emperor of the Nocturnal Kingdom of Beasts, and his husband--? 

LASZLO: Bill, yes.

NADJA: Ugh. No sense for fashion, Drog’s Bill. Wore a terrible hat. 

(LASZLO, later, privately to the camera: Bill’s a vampire cowboy. He could ride me anyday.)

(NADJA, later, privately to the camera: Bill’s a vampire cowboy. Still think that hat is horrid, but that whip was _very_ inspirational. Laszlo and I had a _cracking_ time in the bedroom that year. [She cackles at her own joke.])

LASZLO: Anyways, it’s not every day that one of your best mates gets married. We’re helping with wedding preparations. 

The camera pans upwards to focus on a banner that reads:

_JUST MARRIED! CONGRATS NANDOR THE RELENTLESS AND GIZERLLO DE VIL_

* * *

**INT. STATEN ISLAND VAMPIRE RESIDENCE - CUPBOARD UNDERNEATH THE STAIRS**

GUILLERMO: So, yeah. You heard the news. I’m getting married. It’s not really what I imagined. I mean, being raised Catholic before state law passed and then Obergefell, I never thought it was ever an option for me.

He nods toward a small rainbow flag plastered on his billboard. It’s in the corner next to a sketch of Armand and a sticker inscribed: _Bite Club._

The cameraperson asks him a question.

GUILLERMO: It felt the right thing to say in the moment. He’s my master, and I’ve given him eleven years of my life, so why not just sign some paperwork? He even gave me a ring.

(An hour earlier at the pharmacy -

NANDOR: Look, Guillermo! It is a snack _and_ a ring. 

GUILLERMO, looking down at a cherry Ring Pop: Thanks, Master.)

GUILLERMO: It’s weird. But no weirder than anything else that’s happened in my life this past decade. At least me instead of anyone else-- [He stops.] It doesn’t mean anything. It’s another official duty as a familiar. And that’s fine. You’d marry your boss if it came down to it, right?

Silence from the crew.

GUILLERMO: -- Right. 

* * *

**INT. STATEN ISLAND VAMPIRE RESIDENCE - NANDOR’S CRYPT**

NANDOR is bent over a worktable. He waves at the documentary crew when they enter.

NANDOR: I’m a bit busy, but come in, come in. [He straightens his cape and eyes the camera.] So, I’m aiming to obtain a gray card. It’s because of my sword. 

A slideshow of paintings and murals: A bearded warrior wields a curved sabre while riding atop a horse. A battlefield of bodies lay stretched on the ground. An enemy warrior screams in terror.

NANDOR: My legendary sword, Samiel. In Al Quolanudar, it was as feared as my name. I used Samiel to slaughter and subjugate thousands. If you were my enemy and you saw it shining in the distance [he stretches out his arm, pantomiming a poised strike] you knew that the end was near.

NANDOR: What happened to the sword, you ask? Well, I… lost it. It’s kind of embarrassing, really. I think I left it inside some guy I stabbed. Sometimes you forgot little things like this during the heat of battle, you know. Like, oops, I forgot to put out the campfire; oops, I accidentally beheaded one of my allies. That sort of thing.

NANDOR: Yet all hope is not lost. I was watching the tele-vizier the other day, and I saw news that Samiel has shown up at an auction and a museum has won it. I plan to reclaim Samiel as its rightful owner, because it is _my_ sword. What are human museum people going to do with it? Sharpen pencils? I doubt they are warriors who turned the Euphrates red with blood once, never mind twice.

[He scoffs.]

NANDOR: There is one... small problem. That museum is across the sea in Britain, and the swiftest modern method of transport is by aeroplane. I have been informed that I cannot slay your TSA, however much they greatly deserve it.

NANDOR: So, Guillermo and I are getting hitched so I can obtain an American passport. He shall be my thirty-eighth bride! [thumbs-up at the camera] Though not really, because he is a man. 

* * *

**INT. STATEN ISLAND VAMPIRE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN**

COLIN ROBINSON: I’m what you might call an expert on weddings. For two years, I enjoyed a successful career as a wedding planner. You might be thinking, Colin Robinson? Wedding planner extraordinaire? How could that be? 

[He chuckles.]

COLIN ROBINSON: Don’t judge a book by its cover. There is nothing I appreciate more than an invigorating conversation about color coordination and seating arrangements. I only left the industry when I drained so much energy out of a groom’s mother that she fell into the cake. 

COLIN ROBINSON: Now, it surprised me when Nandor popped the question to me. I can’t say that I’m not flattered. Spiffy homeboy like myself, it’d be nice to settle down with a fellow immortal being. But, on second thought, I prefer taking up the wedding planner role again. 

GUILLERMO enters the kitchen. The room, truthfully, is a mess, ingredients and pots everyone. 

GUILLERMO: Are these supposed to be polvorones? [For the camera’s benefit, he explains--] Mexican wedding cookies. 

COLIN ROBINSON: Aye-aye. I got the recipe from a colleague of mine. 

GUILLERMO: [tries one] Huh. It’s okay, though it could use more almonds. And I recommend sprinkling cinnamon on the top. 

COLIN ROBINSON: I was also thinking of making kebabs and tortillas.

GUILLERMO [winces at COLIN ROBINSON’S pronunciation of the latter word]: You don’t have to. Only me and the camera crew will be eating-- [He cuts himself off mid-way, an epiphany dawning.] What are you trying to get out of this, Colin Robinson? 

COLIN ROBINSON: Just a tiny favor for a roommate. Guillermo, will you allow me the honor of speaking at your wedding? I’ve written an entertaining little toast. 

GUILLERMO: No. 

COLIN ROBINSON: I’ve written a best man speech, a father of the bride speech, and a maid of honor speech. 

GUILLERMO: No.

COLIN ROBINSON: I’m ordained to officiate weddings in the state of New York by the Satanic Temple and the Church of Scientology. 

GUILLERMO: _No_. 

* * *

**INT. STATEN ISLAND VAMPIRE RESIDENCE - LIBRARY**

NANDOR: I am studying the gray card interview process. It is similar to the American citizenship test, though there are a lot of questions about Guillermo.

[He holds up flashcards.]

NANDOR: ‘Where and when did your spouse meet?’ Easy - a Panera Bread bathroom in 2009. ‘How does your spouse get to work?’ He walks out of his closet and into my room. ‘Did you give your spouse a gift for their last birthday? If so, what was it?’ A cocktail parasol and -- what is George’s silver coin called again? A quarter. 

GUILLERMO, sitting in the armchair nearby, looks at the camera.

(GUILLERMO, later: Actually, it was a nickel.

GUILLERMO: An old nickel that’s considered a rare collectible. I sold it on eBay for $300.)

* * *

**EXT. STATEN ISLAND COURTHOUSE**

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you cannot bring that sword inside the courthouse.

NANDOR hisses. The SECURITY GUARD doesn’t blink. 

NANDOR is wearing a flowing red robe. His hair is wrapped up in a turban, and a veil obscures his face to protect from the evening sun. A scimitar is strapped to his belt.

Next to him, GUILLERMO wears a dark blue suit. He puts a placating hand on NANDOR’s arm.

GUILLERMO: It’s alright. We can leave it in the limo.

COLIN ROBINSON, later: Yes, I booked a limousine, even though the courthouse is only five blocks away from the house. Why? Because I recently purchased this bad baby and I wanted to partake in pre-wedding pre-gaming.

[He holds up a vape pen.]

* * *

**INT. LIMOUSINE, EARLIER**

The entire cabin in the car is filled with purple grape-smelling smoke.

NADJA: That’s it. I’m flying to the marriage court. 

LASZLO: I concur. Bat! [he crashes smack-dab into glass] Human form. Can someone roll down the window? Where’s the lever for this thing? 

NADJA glances at the camera, her lips twisted. 

* * *

**INT. COURTHOUSE**

COUNTY CLERK: Nandor Relentless, do you take Guillermo de la Cruz to be your partner in marriage, to live together in matrimony, to love, honor, comfort and keep in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live? 

NANDOR: The. Nandor _the_ Relentless. [A pause.] I do.

COUNTY CLERK [clears her throat]: Guillermo de la Cruz, do you take Nandor _the_ Relentless to be your partner in marriage, to live together in matrimony to love, honor, comfort and keep in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?

GUILLERMO: I do. 

COUNTY CLERK: You may now exchange rings. 

COLIN ROBINSON watches the ceremony, loudly sniffing and removing an obscene amount of tissues from a tissue box. There are no visible tears on his face. 

NADJA and LASZLO are nowhere to be seen, having gotten lost on the way to the courthouse.

NANDOR: [reaches into the folds of his robes and thrusts forward a package] Here. It is not a candy ring this time. Don’t blame me if you’re hungry. You should have eaten beforehand. 

GUILLERMO blinks, clearly surprised. When he opens the box, he discovers a small platinum ring with a bat on it. It has two glinting red stones for eyes. 

GUILLERMO: Oh. Wow. Did you make this?

NANDOR: I have always been a master craftsman, Guillermo. And this necklace as well. [He removes another item of jewelry and puts it around GUILLERMO’s neck.] I painted it blue like your suit.

GUILLERMO: Is this macaroni? 

NANDOR: Yes, but you cannot eat this, either. It is not cooked. 

GUILLERMO: --I know. Um, thank you, Master. I have an old ring of my grandfather’s -- it’s been in the family for a while. I think it should fit.

It fits. The ceremony moves forward. 

At the ‘you may kiss your partner’ section, GUILLERMO parts NANDOR’s veil, stands on tiptoes, and kisses him on the cheek, his face beet-red. NANDOR flinches a little, startled, but he doesn’t pull away. 

* * *

**INT. COURTHOUSE - INTERVIEW ROOM A**

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 1: What do you two have in common that led to the development of your relationship?

GUILLERMO: We’re both interested in… horror stuff. Horror movies. And it just seemed natural to finally tie the knot. I’ve been by my mas--Nandor’s side to help him with technology and American things he doesn’t understand. I think he’s pretty incredible, honestly. Worldly and experienced and, um, strong.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 1: [with a knowing expression of his face]: I see. What kind of horror movies do you watch?

GUILLERMO: He’s a big fan of the _Twilight_ movies. I don’t really care for them, but we have marathons from time to time. His favorite is _Eclipse_ because Bella punches Jacob in the face in that one. He really doesn’t like werewolves.

A little later--

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 1: Where do you keep your toothbrushes? What kind of toothpaste does each of you use?

GUILLERMO: I buy Colgate and keep my toothbrush in the bathroom down the hall. He keeps his toothbrush by the basin in his cryp--office. It’s a specially made brush that can scrub incisors. And he uses a custom-made toothpaste that’s good at getting blood out. [A beat.] Like after eating rare steak. 

* * *

**INT. COURTHOUSE - INTERVIEW ROOM B**

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 2: What side of the bed does your partner sleep on?

NANDOR [confidently]: On top of it. 

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 2: … Okay. What’s your partner’s least favorite food? 

NANDOR: One time, I caught a squirrel in the backyard and Guillermo didn’t want to eat it. It was really ungrateful of him, because I don’t just hunt for anyone, you know. But I got over it. We went to MacDonald’s afterwards and I gained a chipmunk talisman. His name is Alvis.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 2: Alvin.

NANDOR: Yes, him. Did you know that he sings? 

* * *

**INT. COURTHOUSE - HALLWAY**

NANDOR [addresses the camera]: I don’t think the interview is going so hot. How am I supposed to know if Guillermo drinks coffee in the morning, or what his mother’s name is? Guillermo is Guillermo. [He waves his hand as if that explains everything.] 

LASZLO comes onto the scene. He’s now wearing a powdered wig and a dark robe. NADJA is behind him, still wearing the scarlet-and-black bridesmaid dress she had donned earlier. 

NADJA: Colin Robinson telephoned me and said that you were having some trouble. 

COLIN ROBINSON waves. He’s been listening outside the interview room.

LASZLO: Yes, our apologies that we missed the ceremony. There was this pigeon--

NADJA: It was all very terrifying. 

LASZLO: --But we persevered and survived. It’s finally time for me to resurrect my training as a barrister. Laszlo Cravensworth, Esquire. PhD, BM BCh, FRCP, and S-E-X-Y. 

NADJA [purring]: You can punish me any day, Your Honor.

LASZLO: Oh-ho. Sustained, my darling. 

NANDOR: --Yes. Well. How versed are you in American immigration law?

LASZLO: Haven’t got a damned clue. But my analytical legal mind is up to the task. I can promise you that. 

* * *

**INT. COURTHOUSE - INTERVIEW ROOM B**

LASZLO: Submit to my dark power. 

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 2’s eyes glaze over. He scribbles on a piece of paper and types on a computer keyboard. 

IMMIGRATION OFFICER 2: You’ll receive the documents in the mail in two weeks. 

LASZLO: Thank you, my good sir. [He turns to NANDOR.] The hell didn’t you try hypnotizing him earlier?

NANDOR: I did! It didn’t take. Besides, this should have been as easy as riding a horse backwards! Who cares about the little details? It’s not like _they_ know that Guillermo faithfully finds me humans to eat every other night -- that he knows how to best preserve a half-drunk corpse -- that he knows to put on disco music when I’m bored! Guillermo is _my_ familiar, and if I want to marry him for a gray card, then I should be able to! He is a perfectly adequate 38th wife who is not actually a wife, but a husband. 

GUILLERMO, who has just finished his interview, hovers by the doorway, his eyes wide. 

GUILLERMO: Do you mean it, Master?

NANDOR: Yes, I do. Somehow you’re always able to tell the difference between my want-to-boogie mood versus my want-to-shimmy mood. 

COLIN ROBINSON: Ah, the shimmy. It’s a predecessor to the memetic Harlem Shake that swept the nation--

NANDOR and GUILLERMO [together]: Shut up, Colin Robinson. 

COLIN ROBINSON: Chill, lovebirds. I’ll leave you to it. By the way, I’m letting you know that I also booked a horse-drawn carriage. It’s waiting outside. That’s traditional, right? Unless you want me to call it off--

NANDOR: -- A horse?

LASZLO: Why the fuck did you put more effort into planning Nandor and his familiar’s sham marriage than my and Nadja’s bicentennial anniversary? You didn’t do shit. 

COLIN ROBINSON shrugs. 

NADJA: Really, I think it’s for the best. 

NANDOR: Ahem. I am going to elope now. There’s nothing like a good eloping. I’ve done it plenty of times back in the day when families kept demanding higher bride prices. Like, sheesh, I’ve given you gold and jewels and animals, and you still want more? So I’d ask the lovely lady if she wants to ditch, and if she said yes--

GUILLERMO: I’ve already married you, Master.

NANDOR: --Then I’d sweep her off her feet and we’d ride back to my palace and make love. 

NANDOR sweeps GUILLERMO off his feet, carrying him in his arms, and he charges out of the courthouse. Ignoring the coachman’s protests, he kicks away the carriage harness and lifts GUILLERMO onto the horse’s back. They ride into the night together: the red-robed vampire, his turban and veil falling off and his long dark hair streaming behind him, and his blue-suited familiar hanging on for dear life, a bat ring on his finger and a macaroni necklace click-clacking around his neck.

* * *

Later, they embark on an adventure-filled honeymoon to London to recover Nandor’s sword. But that’s another story to be told another time.


End file.
